it hurts more in the daytime
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
