Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
