They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize