Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
