what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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