Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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