heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize