Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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