piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
