remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
