I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let's paint friendship bongs
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize