Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
