So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
