she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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