I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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