I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
