i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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