it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
