please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
