Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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