dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
