Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
