Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize