Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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