bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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