i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
