I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
