I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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