Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
