I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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