My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
