I could have mohawked her pubes.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
