I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
