A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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