its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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