he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
