God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
