Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
