sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
