booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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