I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
