This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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