for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
