I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
