gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
