Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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