well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
