sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
