I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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