i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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