Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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