Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
