My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
