While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
