i think my tv is drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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