I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
