Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
