Someone shit on the floor
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
