It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
