Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
