...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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