I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
